Don't look now but here comes the socially inept.

 I've become intensely aware that I have grown into a state of social retardation. I don't know how to act when out alone having hooty poles and enjoying Camel cancer wands. The pack mentality that I have taken accustom to has ruined my sense of independence. Whenever I'm in a group of acquaintances I feel awkward. Removed. As if I don't belong there and I find myself wondering if maybe their pondering the same thing. Who the FUCK is this loon? Jabbering on about these twisted world views, motorcycles and his life that he can't handle anymore. 

  I recently found myself at a friends birthday party in this very mood. This kind of quilt up to the eyeballs reaction to everyone and everything going on around me. It's not fear and it should not be taken as such. I fear fewer things than I used to. I think its a wall that I may have begun to build. The top lined with broken shards of glass. Pieces of varying size, shape and color that at first glance seem interesting and visually appealing but deadly at a close range and some what dirty to be sure to inflict the greatest degree of punishment if intruded upon.  The wall is only waste high though, but still impossible to maneuver without taking some large leap of faith.  

 I don't know why this wall has come to pass nor do I know where I have gotten all the stones to build the beast. Maybe its the fact that I don't get out much. Sometimes I think that when I tell of my adventures later that I don't want to incriminate myself by talking to someone I'm not suppose to. This only further inflates the silence. Whatever the answer the stark truth is that I have become unknown to myself. My situations and life experiences up to this point have led me to become this reverse Mr. Hyde. Instead of groping and strangling hookers to death with my bare hands I've compromised to stand quietly off to the side and wish that I had something valid to say. 

 Who am I? Does anyone know? If so I would like to be reintroduced.

swimming with the others?

My intense hatred for the majority of my fellow humans has become a glowing ember in a dark room. Hard to see at first but once your eyes have adjusted to the immediate surroundings it becomes very apparent that there is a small burning light that is ready to take your flesh from the bone and turn it to ash. I need peace in my life. I need everything to stop just for a moment. I want a minute to myself that goes uninterrupted by people and things and money.
I think about decisions a great deal. I know that on a day to day basis I tend to make good decisions about direction and right and wrong, but in the end they always lead me to dark areas of some shitty hole that stinks. Then I begin to realize that I was the one who dug the damn thing. Its not about catching a break. I get those here and there. Its about just staying afloat in the deep end of the pool. Treading water. Growing tired. Drowning.
The big question that I have recently answered on my own is. Does everyone's life go badly up until a point and then do a 180 and suddenly become this great and wonderful source of happiness or do they just give up and give in and start swimming with the other fish? Will my life change on its own or will I have to conform to make it a happy one?

How To Disappear Completely

I can't even begin to know where to start. I have been having some serious issues with keeping myself together lately. There are so many things that I want to accomplish before I die and I have yet to start on any of them. I'm not blaming anyone. I'm just trying to learn how to say no to some, so that I might have the time to complete something.... anything. I have turned myself into a "Yes Man". Like I said before I don't want to blame anyone else for this spineless creature that I've become but it really feels like I'm running out of options as far as where to turn. There is no more room to run. The fence is almost complete and if I don't find a few spots where I can dig a few holes so that I can get in and out on my own terms I'm going to turn into a mad dog and I don't want to be a mad dog. I watched my father for years become a mad dog. Unsatisfied. I just want to be me again. It really doesn't sound like a tall order. I'm afraid that it is though. The possibility of filling the order is like a distancing vehicle.

Reset button has been pushed now. Will this ease some of the pressure or has my being become too tired to play the game. 

  

I'll start it off real slow so you can understand where I'm coming from. I was born in a small town in Alabama. Growing up I was a quiet child. I never spoke unless I really had something to say. around age 8 or so I discovered the lie and began telling my friends things like bigfoot lived in the woods behind my house, my family was actually vampires, and the king daddy of all the whoppers I ever uttered, my dad wrote Star Wars. I got into heavy metal and girls when I was about 12. When I lost my virginity and had my heart broken at age 14 I found punk rock and all the days of my life before that ceased to exist. I moved through my teens angry. I met someone in high school we stayed together for about ten years producing two offspring. We divorced and I  moved on rather quickly. I remarried and we had a child. Now all five of us live together in a small town in Alabama and we do the best we can. we have our ups and downs and we endure everything that is thrown at us. This is just the introductory blog. Its like my first meeting of AA. Hi. I'm jason and I'm an alcoholic. More to come